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Perfect Blue

Sigurd De-mizar

Phoenix [Light]

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You Don't Pay My Sub But Neither Do I, Epilogue

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Epilogue


The adventure and the people I encountered in this free trial account mean a lot to me, but the among all the opportunity to reflect is priceless. This blog series is a chance for me to walk down the memory lane.

This is where the adventure ends, as I don't plan to continue playing as a free trial player. It is not because this game is bad. It is precisely because the game is very good, often I find myself derailed from what do I came here for in the first place.




Some years ago, I had family members passed away at the rate of about one per year for a few years in a row. Some died from old age, some died young. Some died in agony while some died peacefully in their sleep. These events didn't happen in a singular time point. Some illness built up over time. If you don't get involved directly, you will get sometimes grim update from family gatherings.

I always know that this day will come. For any living beings in the world, no one can escape death. It doesn't matter what your relationship with the person is, close or distant, love or hate. It doesn't matter if you got a chance to say what you want to say or not. When the time comes, it comes. Unless you were born into an orphanage, you can't avoid this part of life. In fact, the bigger the family you have, the more often you will encounter this.

I accept that one day it will be my responsibility to bury the dead and move on with life, as what all other adults will do.

If honouring the dead bring you peace, you are welcome to do so. But when it is up to you to decide how the dead should be honoured, or why someone not doing exactly the way you like as an offense? There are people out there need so much external validation that they cocere others into agreeing with them. Why can't I have my own feeling that maybe different from yours? And who give you the right to judge me? Funaral was not really organized for the dead. The whole process was organized for psychological need of the livings. One can mourn in public, or feel they have done something. The dead can't know anything after they die. In fact, the talk of having the last word, last encounter, or regerts are all nonsense. It is downright petty that we come up with these nonsense to make ourselves sound more important than who we actually are.

There is only one truth: it is over.

It was around this time I picked up FFXIV. For one purpose, destraction.

For less than £10 a month, I became a hero of this realm. I might have setbacks but I quickly overcome them, and claim victory no matter where I go. Story plot provides the meaning of life. It is convincing enough and I am fullfilling it as the plot goes. I was never really lost in life in Eorzea, or work some senseless task to stay alive with no end in sight like real life.

My success in this game is attributed to one single factor: SE lets me.

SE could have designed this game in a way that is unwinnable for me, but they didn't. Some of you may points out this is not a pay to win game. But it IS a game you pay that allows you do some relatively easy tasks to win.

Hardly anything in real life gets this easy, and this is why we are the one who are paying to be in FFXIV.


***


In Syncademy, there is a voice chat room called lounge where we can all hang out. Tureal often makes himself available there in the evening outside raid time in case any of us want to talk to him. One night I decided to drop by and say hi/bye. I happened to stumble into a conversation about someone's suggestion of having a channel where people can post meme. Turael told us that he was worried about people forming their own clique, communicate in a way outsider cannot understand and posting inapporpiate material. Then he told that someone posted a picture of boob made with snow in the general chat.

Well, I guess I missed the whole thing. I only showed up in raid, maybe occationally drop by their general chat. Well, I tried to contribute the discussion. I told the stories of company Christmas party where people often have an extra glass of wine, say something they should not say, or do something they shouldn't do, and land themselves in serious trouble. As much as HR never finds a solution of this, I don't think there is a solution to keep someone post something one joke too far in discord, regardless it is designed for meme or not.

At that time, I was wondering, if someone posting a picture of boob made with snow was a concern, then what can really be worse? What will this person post next? Dick pic? CP? His/her own nude? And if having a meme channel encourage all those weirdos to come out of the wood to make their "contribution", then what will we expect to find? Drug dealer? Sex offender? Serial murderer?

If I just mute all the channels in Syncademy that are not related to raiding, then problem solved, right?

Why do I mention about this? It just reminds me the type of people that I try to avoid in real life. The chance is I will encounter them in this game is imminent.

I do not fear one day I will run into an actual criminal in Syncademy. The truth is all those ever come foul with me in this game all have one thing in common: Petty. Some of them might think they are smart, or evil, or I am evil, or something else. But the truth is I never see them that way. Wrong? Evil? Stupid? No. These people see themselves as more important than what they really are. Someone need to rage over a piece of loot? Shamlessly bitching about what is fairness and assume we all have to agree? Kick people just so that they can tell themselves it is not their fault? What is in common? Downright pettiness. One may say that since this is just a game, maybe everything is just petty. I do have some respect to those toil tirelessly to keep their projects running. However, I wonder it is probably a matter of time I will run into the type who think themselves very important, have loads of ideas and expect someone else do the hard work for them, can't be critized because they think they are some damn perfect. The type that strives for a any type of social validation, good or bad, who will do, post or say BS for a like, up-vote or cheap laugh.

Maybe a meme channel will draw these people out faster. Who knows? I don't set out to be a party-spolier, and I would probably play along at first. The problem is it won't take long for me to feel that this is just dumb, my pretence faded and people get angry at me. Drama starts and nonsense spreads. I suppose this is what brought down several of my FC and static. You would wonder why people play this game in the first place. Obviously to feel important of themselves. Unfortunately to a certain type of people, validation is not something I can offer, at least not sincerely.

Sure, I can blame others. But choosing to engage with pettiness is sign of immaturity on my part. I often wonder there is a part of me that envy them. If all a person needs is lies and fake world to stoke his or her ego, maybe their life are on a rather trivial side.

I started playing this game to run away from certain things in real life, but in the end I end exactly where I was.



***




If I ever have to face my younger self, I wouldn't feel embarrassed because in the end my life turns out to be more mediocre that I hope for, or I am just not as talented as I would have wished myself to be. What would make me embarrassed, is the fact that as adult, there is always more excuse and apologies. The worst thing is not the fact that I failed, or the fact that I kept failing. Instead, it is the thought that if I have bothered to try, a few things might have happened differently.

I notice that with many problems in life, often we know why it is there and how to solve them. "I don't know" is just an excuse to avoid to walk the hard path.

There are people who have to talent to view the lack of aspiration as some kind of life choice. Being spoiled-rotten as some kind of style. Or view irresponsible as some kind of personal freedom. In the end it is just laziness, just fear of failure. Excuse sounds so glories, but in the reality it is just lame.

SE has written an amazing story for this game. However, it is my avatar's story, not my story. My actual journey, I wonder, maybe just often muddle in pettiness that I should have avoided.

Anyhow, I will be back someday. But next time, I will be paying my sub.

See you guys in 7.0.



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