Character

Hey journal. Remember what I said last time? Well, I think I had a crisis because of it.

The thoughts of needing another person to sate my inherited libido appalled but titilated me me for much of the day. It was tantalizing and forbidden and started to eat away at my better judgement. Being with my wife helped curb most of the issue but it didn't feel like enough.

So I wanted to follow through with my experiment to see whether indulging myself in someone else would calm things down. But first I had to make an apology. I sought out Kurai who had come back from a duty assignment and was crafting to fill some time. I invited him back to my office area and told him the truth of what happened between myself and Saskia based from my previous entry.

What his response made me change my mind about involving Saskia with my plans. He was upset, to say the least, and revealed that this is not the first time and not likely the last that Saskia had taken 'interim lovers' while he was away. Immediately my heart broke for him. He seemed to resign himself to this fact with not a little bit of bitterness. This unsettled my mood further and I promised him that I wouldn't take it any further than what had already happened between the two of us. I don't know if he believed me because he left with only a brief pardon to return back to work, muttering about wishing not being told about such things.

I saw the immediate problem after he had left. His marriage was on rocky grounds because of time conflicts. She was away and he was here or vice versa most days of the week. Pondering this, I made a silent vow to keep my word and not become a conquest of hers; being either a man or woman. My inner lust--or outer one, depending on point of view--raged against this decision. She was a flower in bloom, despite current difficulties. It wanted me to take her forcefully and lavish in the moment. That singular thought rallied my center of being and I squashed the impulse into oblivion.

I took the rest of the day off and went home to consult with Lira. She was relaxing in the tub, allowing hot water to permeate her system in bliss and relaxation. Dressing down to my swimwear I climbed in and cuddled with her, explaining the situation in short terms. She listened patiently to me and looked into my eyes. "What I said yesterday hasn't changed. But I do sense the frustration within you, my heart. You want to go out and be with someone else in a purely physical sense. So, let's talk about it for a bit before you go."

We sat in the tub, water gently rocking beside us, as we went over people we knew. The entire Winters family was out on sheer principle of the matter. That and I think any one of their given spouses would kill me in my sleep should I try to meddle in their love lives. Besides, as a part of the vow I made in my office was to not interfere with any marital relationship. So that shrank the list of people to swingers and single friends. The idea didn't appeal to me about someone who treats this activity with any amount of casualness so after some decisions we eliminated the swinger group. A few single friends were brought up, but I was wary about some of them. I didn't interact with many of them for long durations of time so I didn't know how they'd react.

Then we brought up Xelion.

At first, the notion again scared me. If she was full mortal then I'd have no problem with it, but she had partial voidsent aether specifically tuned to succubi. That aside, she had admitted to me that she was uncertain with her own control over the aetherfeast ability of hers that most voidsent attribute to remaining in the physical plane. However since it was only partial rather than whole the danger seemed less severe.

Then I got thinking about it. I actively adventure as one that routinely shuts down voidsent activity where possible. I received training from several angles offensively and defensively to combat them. On top of that, I had techniques that could block mental or psychic assaults because--let's face it; I had married a part succubus before so I learned how to protect myself in these sort of situations after long experience. Plus I was still dealing with an overabundance of aether so I could wall off my own and leave enough for her to feed off of. I severely doubt that part of it was mine to begin with.

We discussed her at length and Lira, bless her heart, gave the ok for it. I could sense some disappointment from her, so I did my best to calm that emotion by staying with her until she was ready for bed. After tucking her in I made the walk over to Xel's place in a neighboring Mist district. Along the way, I steadily adapted a defensive ward to act as a screen against aether siphoning. By the time I got there I believe I had it perfected; just needed to test it, which scared me still. Any number of things could still go wrong, starting with that Xel would turn me down.

Knocking on her door, I was greeted by her with a pensive look on her face. We sat in her living room and...I did my best to seduce a succubus. Or at least convince myself that that's what I was doing. She had her own concerns and warnings about what was going to happen. Nothing that I wasn't already aware of and planned for really. I did have the condition that she was not to enthrall me and informed her I had other safeguards in mind for the evening. She thought it over and promised me that she'd take great care of me.

*several dots of ink indicating thinking between paragraphs*

I'll not go into details as to what had occurred between us. I'm getting worked up just thinking about it. However, the end result is we both satisfied each other on several levels all night long into the dawn of this morning and my tumultuous aether calmed greatly once the sectioned off portion was absorbed by her. Should I try to reform Crystilla again I am confident I can do so and have the process stick, since she was packing a vast amount of aether with her last time I tried it.

Do I regret breaking the heart of those around me? I do. It shouldn't've happened, but it still felt right that people involved needed to know, making me a fairly big fool. Did I wrong my own wife, in essence telling her that she wasn't fully satisfying me in a sexual/sensual matter without saying the words directly? In all liklihood yes but she's forgiving, understands the situation, and still loves me and I her, no matter what. Besides, I know she's done things *violent scratching of a few lines*

Never mind. No one needs to know that.

Regardless, our bonds remain strong and I know that this is a one-time experience. I take the lessons learned from it and will use them to better serve my wife and she takes this in stride; perhaps with a bit of pride? I'm not sure. After today, I'm very sure I won't let my impulses reign over me. Or at least as best as possible.

-Drail Silverleaf journal entry