Once upon a time someone asked me if I hated her.
It was quite a few years ago, according to her, I had written something about her showed her in the unflattering light.
I never answer directly to this question. In fact, I have never thought about it seriously until recently, because of what I have written in Act 17. It was a different question being posted, but it reminded me this other person from a few years ago. I wonder what was the true purpose of the question back then. Is it so that she doesn't have to reflect on her own action? No one disputed what happened. If I were to like her to start with, does it change any of the event?
What is the point for me to produce an answer when it is a sham from the beginning?
Sometimes I wonder, what does it really mean to be playing an MMO? What does the word "multi-player" really mean? On the surface, it means you are playing with the human beings instead of an npc. But do you really see me as another human being?
For many years, I struggle to put it in word. I have a feeling that there are some people actually want to play a single player game with npc that have an AI that talks like human. Given that such AI is still in development stage, MMORPG is sort of a substitude. But in their eyes, I am, or maybe anyone except them are merely npc. We are supposed to say things they want to hear. We are supposed to intepret their message and their action exactly the way that stoke their ego. If we fail to do so, we are bad. We are broken. We will be told that we are just some horrible human beings.
I guess we can't be a horrible "human being", we were never really considered to be a "human being" in the first place.
What is confusing for me is, very often none of these is explicitly stated. I still have not encounted anyone in this game that is upfront with his or her intent. In reality is, I can't really read your mind. For me to actually play along, I should be given a script. For example, you have crack a joke, shared a meme, my reaction should be based on this part of the script, and I will read back to you what would expect me to say. Without such script, it is really guess work. My reaction may range from, this is interesting, to this is just offensive. One would ask, why guess work? Just give tell him/her your authentic feedback.
I tried. The outcome ranked from the other person being happy, to being angry, or told me off for being party spolier, or told me that I am in some ways defective, or I am way too sensitive, or unforgivable for failing to appreciate their brilliance. Some situations I ended up in was actually quite awkward. Later I find out, the correct way to do it is to keep my mouth shut. This particular type of people will always fill in the details for me. They will just assume I like them, find them funny, adorable, etc, etc.
It was like a doll house, and I am a doll. I become this plaything that someone will manuve me as they please.
But does it worth kicking up a fuss? All I need is to keep my mouth shut for a bit, and smile and nod. Then grab my exit when it appears. Sometimes exit are right at the corner. Sometimes you have to wait for the raid or whatever to finish. Sometimes if it is your FC, or discord, or whatever community, you just want to wait until these people finishes. Sometimes you may have to pay some lip services get yourself out of trouble.
Then, it was the word "friend" was flowing around. There are times when I find it very confusing.
I remember my days in the Normad FC. It was a small FC with people who know and raid with each other for a long time. I joined because I was subbing for their FC static here and there.
In the end the static disbanded and many people either got kicked or left the FC on their own. I got kicked out a bit before that, and it was why I didn't get to see the actual fall out. I often wonder what happened back then.
The reason why I was kicked? Our PLD went out drinking on a Friday night and didn't show up in raid. Our raid leader decided to kick him and make me the new tank. A week later I wrote a blog about that raid and my reflection on playing a job that I was not that confident with.
Apparently the raid leader never told him that he was kicked. Instead, he found out from my blog he was no longer required and that I took his role. He expressed his anger towards the raid leader and the FC master, and so they send someone else in the FC to tell me that I was kicked from the static.
Whatever this PLD said to the raid leader and FC master was never revealed to me. The only thing I was told is that it was my fault. The problem was the blog I wrote, not the raid leader didn't tell PLD her decision to drop him, not because the PLD went drinking instead of showing up to raid, not because our FC master kept making culturally insensitive jokes, not because those who were upset about those jokes secret hold a grudge against him, not because of there was this person hated one of healer and the healer was the gf of one of the melee and there was something going on.
This event bothered me for a very long time. It was until one day, someone said to me, "if you blog is so powerful, why don't you write one that tell people to give you all their money, buy you expensive stuff or sleep with you?"
Well, I guess, I am not very smart afterall?
So I decided, if there is ever a next time, I just am going to laugh.
I rethink about a lot things in the past. In response to those "if I hate you" type question. I guess it will be along the line like this.
During these years in FFXIV, I ran out of mental capacity to take care of another privileged bart who think the world owns him or her something. If you are offended about my opinion, please feel free to be as offended as possible. I don't care if you think you look great or stupid in my post. I didn't force you to do what you did, so either you should have some introspection on your own action, or accept that there exists people who may see you not as highly as you see yourself. Please remember that I don't own your feeling and it is not my responsibility to control your reaction.
You are welcome to set any rules you want, but until you have my consent, I am not oblige to follow your rule. Therefore, stop trying guilt trap me into thinking that I cross some unspecfic lines. If your friends see you differently because on my description, well, just how did your friends find an internet stranger more convincing than being with you and get to know you in the first place? Please tell me that you have not pretend to be someone who you are not in order to gain those friendships and by chance I manage to hit the core of who you truly are. If your relationship with others is built on deceives, please remember it wasn't me who tell you the lie in the first place. If you can't come to term with my interpretation of any events, please bare in mind that there is a possibility that I may not be alone in that thought. Nonetheless, you are very welcome to disagree. However, until you can form a convincing argument or bring fact to support your view, it doesn't really matter.
If you need to develop a persona to fit better into this big boy gaming world, it is entirely your choice. No, your rowdy jokes are not that funny. Some of your meme made no sense, while some are just down right disturbing. Sometimes people keep their mouth shut doesn't mean you are cool, doesn't necessary mean your materials are just some harmless fun. Maybe we don't care, or maybe we care but have no time or energy to really care.
No. I don't hate you. It is hard to hate someone I barely know. Being in the same raid with me one or twice doesn't automatically make you a friend, or a foe.
You are just another name on the party list.
And, I am not your doll.
Table of content of this series is here