Perfect Blue

Sigurd De-mizar

Phoenix [Light]

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You Don't Pay My Sub But Neither Do I, Int 1

Intermission 1

One day in 2020, I came across an article talked about an interview with an American psychologist on familial love. She said something along the line of, the moment when you were born, it is as if you were being kidnapped into a family by accident. You have to love them. Or basically, you have developed some type of Stockholm Syndrome towards your family. Or else, your life will be miserable.

I like the elegance in her language.

For many years, I was wondering what is the meaning of life. You are here because you were born. You didn't get to make that decision to be born or not, nor the condition you were born in. You have no control on your race, your gender, your appearance, who would be your family members, nor how their value and religious relief. It had all been decided by someone else or by RNG. Not by you. You'd better to learn to like all these things you were born with, or set them aside and move forward without constantly agonizing over them.

If you really can't be at peace with it, well, you are really just asking for trouble.

It is not just the things you were born with or born into. At some point your dream and passion turns out to be not what you had in mind, you work in the wrong field, you infatuate with the wrong type of people, and your children may not be your angel all the time. How do you keeping up with all these people who constantly drive you nuts? Well, little Stockholm syndrome will keep your relationships alive.

When people told that they don't see any fault in their kids or their significant others, I never doubt them. They are not lying. They just can't see.

Some people like to tell me that it is just about come to terms with reality. Sometimes I wonder if my feelings can be tricked so that I can make myself to be fond of something or someone for my own survival, does my feeling still qualify as a reality? It is almost like how we "really" feel are just something we just make up as we go along. I feel that the same goes for "meaning of life". You are still alive regardless if you have a purpose or not. It is like some sort of grand gesture to make ourselves sound more impressive than what it is.

For the Stockholm Syndrome part, it makes a lot of sense when we were powerless children, we were better off to learn to be happy with whatever and whoever happened to be in our lives. Maybe it is a blessing that we don't know much as a child and believe it whatever we were told, even if some of those stuff were totally rubbish. But then, what happen when we start getting older, got some power to make some changes to better our lives? In the end, self delusion can't be a solution to everything. For example, let's say I were in an abusive relationship. Sure, I can try to develop Stockholm Syndrome to my abuser. It will help me to stay in this relationship. However, maybe the correct answer is to get out of this relationship instead of tell myself that all those gas lightings were gestures of love.

The problem is, the more your are aware of your situation, the less you are likely to truly engage in any type of self delusion. It works better if you just know the bare minimum to justify your belief and start ignoring the rest of it.

It was around Christmas time when I got the text from my friend that she wanted to die. It was probably the third time in the month that she said so.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what to do about it. The beauty of the lockdown is you really can't do much. In the "normal" day, we can meet up for a cup of coffee and try to talk things over. These days, it is not really how it is done unless you are a fan of breaking down over the phone, knowing that the other person will not be able to pass you a box of Kleenex or give you a hug.

Then, one day, I got ghosted.

The truth is, even if she did anything funny I won't be allowed in the hospital to visit because of the lockdown. I won't be invited to her funeral because there won't be the space for anybody outside her direct relatives.

Well, caring takes energy, and if it is not getting you anywhere, one day you will just stop caring. I just imagine you are getting better, or just busy. I would expect other people will do exactly the same for me if I were the one who stop contacting. Hopefully I won't be blaming anyone. The truth is, I have no idea.

When Brexit happened, another friend of mine told me that if I ever interested in a EU passport, I can marry her. It was supposed to be a joke. I think Brexit was a bad idea, but I don't think I need to marry myself off for a EU passport. But then I thought about it again lately. I suppose if I ever have to marry someone for a EU citizenship, that person will either be Belgian or Dutch. In their countries, euthanasia is legalized for untreatable and insufferable psychological condition. If there is ever a day I had enough and decide to end it all, I don't want to be taking a large quantity of unknown substance, nor jumping off random places, nor dealing with knife or firearms. Let's get it done by medical professional, and make sure it will be a one shot.

There were a lot of things happened during 2020, and I felt so tired. I wasn't sure what I felt tired of. I think, maybe some of my personal relationships exist because of an active effort of Stockholm Syndrome. Some of the circumstance were fine because of some degree of self delusion. When they all laid bare, it took massive brain power to readjust.

I always wish that I can be a normal person, but for many years, all I manage is to pretend to be normal.

One day in early January, the switch suddenly flipped.

Initially I thought I might get into withdrawal when I unsub FFXIV. It is not the case. I was withdrawing, but it was not just from the game.

Table of content of this series is here
Comments (3)

Annabel Ashcroft

Faerie [Aether]

Well Friends DO take effort, and sometimes you wonder if that effort is really worth the time when you are getting little joy out of maintaining the friendship.

If it starts becoming too much work to do so, the friendship just withers and dies due to lack of effort.

Should you feel guilty over it? That is up to you and how you feel about it being gone. Sometimes its for the best.

Sigurd De-mizar

Phoenix [Light]

I am not sure what I wish for. I can't quite figure out. Maybe I wish that there is something within my capacity that I can do about it. Or if there is none, I can dissociate my mind from it.

I suppose, sometimes life is not so straight forward.

Lalli Physalis

Sargatanas [Aether]

What you're saying is rather accurate. I've done enough therapy to know that familial relationships provide you with a blueprint for human interaction that you'll follow the rest of your life. The coping mechanisms of the powerless kid become the conditioned responses of the adult.

For a lot of people this isn't bad. Kids raised to be confident secure do well to keep on keeping on. But then... there's everyone else.

For me it was def worth examining and changing that blueprint.
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